Friday, October 21, 2011

Of Thunderstorms.

Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm. (Robert Louis Stevenson)

Did you ever feel so tired, that you can't sleep?
One, after another, after another, sleepless night all around.

Silent.
All I hear is silence. Darkness in every space. Turned here and there but nothing.
Pulled my blanket up to my head. No I can't do this.
This smiling face covers a thunderstorm it's heart.
Rumbling leaves and shaking trees all around.
You and me got to pull together, we'll get through this, but no.
When separates always better, let's be wise and choose for the best.

Ain't it easier to start over? No, and it's harder than to go with what you have.
Disaster takes turns, and one by one keep on coming on it's way.
Those tracks taken is irreversible. Raindrops are falling down, never will it goes up again.
Unless it's evaporated. Clean. Leaving the dirt behind. Up to the sky, waves goodbye to the dirty Earth.

Closed my eyes. Again. Not again. I got a 9AM class tomorrow.
My heart throbs from all confusing and delirious thoughts by my brain.
And yet here it comes.

Thunderstorms.

I always love rain. I always does. A few days before I got on the plane to the USA, I do something very random.
It was raining outside when me and my big family was chatting. And I stand up, pull out my shirt and ran into the rain.

How I miss that feeling.

If it's cold, let it be. I couldn't care less.
Keep on raining. Keep it coming.

Did you know the story of a boy who lived out on the street and grow up to be a punk?
He was a tough guy. He was unstoppable.
Until one day he saw this girl at a coffee shop.
And you know what? He asked her out. For times.
She said yes.
And he died minutes later, with a smile on his face. From a car accident.

The girl ran to him and hold his hand in his last moment.
That strong, tough boy cried and say, "I have spent my whole life for ones who will love me regardless of what I've been, only caring for what I can be. You exists after all, so I don't mind to die."

He was only 20.

The thunderstorm. Urghh. It's a wet and humid fall here in Buffalo.

Melancholic days before. Much worst ahead.
Keeping my head up but the world is pushing it down again.
My neck will break loose soon.

I can't keep doing this.

This thread I'm holding on is too vulnerable. One small wind will take it down.
And yet I am pushed to the limit I can't handle.
These two frames of pictures are what keeping me alive.
Or else I am just as good as dead.
Crawling on my knees. Where faith now means nothing but a mere word.
No one will understand. But never mind.
It's the sophisticated heart and mind interaction that we human have not fully understand.

I've said this for countless times. Once more, here it goes.
I'm tired of this life.
So tired I have problem sleeping. So tired I never want to wake up and face it's cruelty.
I'm as weary as an 80 years old guy.
They say the storm will pass, not a valid argument.
Someday, I will have my morning cup of coffee and smile all day.
But I start to feel that day would never come.

I don't care if anyone is reading this. I just need to give myself a break.
Thunderstorm, yes, thunderstorm. 40 knots of wind makes it worst.
But who cares? It will pass.

Relationship is nothing but lies.
Hectic life makes it worst.

Sometimes I just need a reason to smile.
Which everyone else does not.

There's always rainbow after rain.
But this thunderstorm won't stop.
It'll keep on coming. Gradually.
To test my threshold.
Until one day there's nothing left but, well, just plain nothing.

I still have the hope.
That I am strong enough.
Am I? Am I that strong? Fake.

I may be not. We'll see.

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