Sunday, May 31, 2009

Life as it was.

Dah wangi. Bru pas mandi.
Buat air kopi (made in Indonesia).
Turned on to Taylor Swift's. Try nak bce Twilight. A couple of pages, dah bosan.
SMS ngan mak. Dia takut sgt aku mati kebosanan. X kesa r tu. Dah bese bosan.
Segar je rasenyer. Amek gitar, men lagu2 ngarut.
Aaahh.. How my life pleased me much. Alhamdulillah.
Tataw dah nak ngarut ape kali ni (this post is not entirely in english, so it is not scholarly).
random photos...

I'm happy. (^_^)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

A Simple Wish...

Semoga dia diberikan kekuatan.
Semoga aku diberikan kekuatan.
Semoga kami diberikan kekuatan.
Semoga mereka diberikan kekuatan.
Semoga kamu dapat fly.
Semoga anda semua dapat fly.
Kalaulah kami dapat bertukar situasi. I'll take her place. Pasti.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Di petang Khamis yang penuh emosi…

Di petang Khamis yang penuh emosi…

Di petang Khamis yang penuh emosi
Sedangku belajar di dalam library
Lalu sahabatku datang membawa diri
Ingin berkongsi masalah peribadi

Tidakku malu akan sahabatku ini
Walaupun peribadi kami berkongsi
Lalu ku curahkan rasa hati
Yang lama terbeku di dalam diri

Lamanya aku terus mencemburui
Walaupun dia hanya memori
Namunku tetap kuatkan hati
Kerana ku yakin dengan realiti

Tetapku kasihan dan bersedih hati
Dengan masalah sahabatku ini
Tiada persefahaman di dalam diri
Hubungan ibarat seutas tali

Ku juga nyatakan masalah kami
Bagaimana aku rasa tidak dihargai
Masalah bagai tiada yang peduli
Sahabatku angguk tanda fahami

Lalu kami terus berdiskusi
Ku curah rasa penuh emosi
Sahabatku mendengar tiada berbunyi
Tanda terkejut mendengar realiti

Buku Calculus tidak lagi dipeduli
Aku tunduk merenung diri
Bagaimana ingin belajar memahami
Jika tiada usaha kendiri

Gelak tawa dapat diperhati
Tiada ditunjuk bergolaknya hati
Lalu sahabatku berlalu pergi
Menyedari masalah tiada konklusi

Ku renung keluar mencari solusi
Tiada satu tiba di hati
Lalu ku temui satu solusi
Untuk menemui sakinah abadi

Lalu ku pulang ke kolej kami
Mencari sejadah peneman diri
Tunduk sujud kepada ilahi
Moga terlepas bebanan di hati

Di petang Khamis yang penuh emosi…

p/s: memahami untuk difahami

(tribute to Sari)

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Life's Good~~~ (Don't Waste It...)

Quite a turnaround.
It's been a while since the last time I discovered myself to be happy like this. Last thing I remembered, we went to Times Square, stroll all the way to Sungei Wang Plaza, then to Lot 10 and finally arrived at Pavillion. Then we shared a cake at Secret Recipe (shit, it cost me RM28.85, just a piece of cake and two beverages!). Then I bought her a bracelet (the last gift ever). That was about a few months ago. The last time I've been in quite a joy. Then I went to the deepest hell of emotion depression. At least we broke up for good.
Now I've changed. My brothers realized it. They forced me to tell them why. My mother realized it. She mentioned that I just started to be SMSing people a lot, like I used to a few years ago. I think she could already guess it. Right... I'm getting better. A lot better. I like myself best now!
Calculus? I'm doing fine right now. Just fine, not great. Looks like I've learned a lot from all these years. It's just how life taught you important lessons. Thanks to Zul, my private tutor! I really appreciate your effort to teach me. Well, I'm currently reading 'The Fall of Light' by Niall Williams. The language was damn hard. I really have to be more patient on this writing.
My mother called. My grandfather has been better. My cousin (who was dying from HIV) is also showing positive improvements. Looks like my prayers were answered. Thank God. The money was finished. For countless time, I was in a state where I don't have any money in my pockets. But still, I survived. Not quite sure how, but I really have to do something about this. Hopefully the JPA allowance will come in before June, or else, I won't be able to go to the KL Indie Fest. Haven't attended last year's, quite regretted it.
Missing to do a creative writing. Hoping to write like Mark Twain, at least. Yeah, just hope. He's a piece of a living masterpiece. Just like Leonardo Da Vinci. Or somebody else who I forgot how to spell his name. I miss my old classmates a lot (I mean a LOT!). A friend of mine mentioned, 'being in a solitary state will allow us to have the moment, some space and time for us to get to know ourself'. And I think he was absolutely right. I get to know myself better when I was alone.
Will study hard for this sem. Will prove myself to them. Will also play hard this sem. Brush up my skills. Finish my Harvest Moon. Go out with some friends. Enjoy summer!
Till then, peace out. (^_^)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Don't You Ever Care? (sikit pon x???)

It was half past two in the morning and I can't sleep. So here I am, the perfect time to scrap another masterpiece.
Sometimes, things happen when you least expect it. You might wake up the next morning just to see things changed. A message on your phone saying that you've been dumped. A call from home saying that one of your cousin died of HIV. A news that your grandfather got a severe stroke attack. Those are the things that you will have to encounter at some points of your life. Some that you were not even slightly able to believe it and finally resort to doing some crazy things to let go your feelings.
Life has been very (I mean extremely) hard for me recently.
I don't really know how to pull myself out of this. Or maybe I should just stay and deal with it. I wish I could just go home, take care of my grandfather and live a quiet life. Now I know why those guys from the city would rather go back to the village and live there.
"Why, you have her. Things should be a complete turnaround for you right now."
A turnaround? Fuck it. I was far at the bottom and the wheels are revolving extremely slow. Things won't change in a blink of eye right? So don't expect her presence will change my life. Yes, it does help. But not much. Sigh. I have been trying extremely hard but I couldn't.
"What is really your problem?"
I don't really know what seems to be my problem. Everything seems to be flawed. I could laugh, but deep inside, I never laugh. Oh my God, I really have a serious psychological disorder. Haha. Sometimes when speaking about this, I really feel like a jerk. But then I will come up with something else to cover up myself. It have really been shit. What? The trip? Haven't changed much. But finally I got my very own solution, which is very likely to be effective...
Yes. I will change. Changes has take action right now. How? I don't know yet. Maybe I could start by cleaning up my bed. Quit sleeping on the floor and make a full use of my locker. Clean up my desk so that I will have plenty of space for studying. Pay more attention on my study. Damn it. Currently addicted to Harvest Moon. Need to do something about that. And more, go out and chill. Quit strolling around seksyen 6 alone, hoping that someone will kidnap me and see if anyone realized that I was missing.
"You're confusing me. To hell with you and your problem."
Who asked you to care? I don't. Fuck off, and die. Quiet disturbing huh? I've been more disturbed than this. For real, a friend of mine approaches and said, "Syahmi, somebody fucked me." Remember, things could happen when you least expect it. Sometimes, I think it was not so nice for being nice at all. Nice guy finish last. You can't have it all.
"Can't you just forget him/her?"
She's a dark memory. Like a spear through your heart, the more you try to take it out, the more it hurts. And everytime you see it, you bleed. When you forget that it was there, you're living your life with joy. (well, this is the part where I suppose to cry, but I don't for certain reason) To live with faith and love might be great, but to find a perfect match is not easy. You might have wasted your last seven years for someone who finally left you out just because you're busy during the Spring semester, and you might find a replacement a few months later, but you will never have the same. Yes, I admit (sincerely, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing). I still keep her pictures. Still. When the rhythm comes in, she popped out on my mind. Blindfold me, and she's still there. TRY! I try to move on. I MUST move on. She's NOT the best thing that ever happen to me (I hope) and I will prove that. I regretted meeting her in the first place.
"But you look happy. You're such a good actor."
Ahem.. haha..some people used to say that to me. It's not easy to cover up your feelings and remain happy (if not for yourself, for your friends). Keep those things down, there's no need to share because it was just an unnecessary burden for them. Some things were better to be kept as secret. Some secrets are meant to be kept as secret forever. Some secrets could even change the world. No guys, I'm not a good actor. I've been trying to please my friends, but I couldn't even please myself. Smile for those who needs one. Your problem is yours. Deal with it. There still be some guys and girls who knows a lot about me, but please. You don't know my life.
"You know what, you're a little 'off' sometimes."
He/she meant that I was quiet emotional sometimes. Maybe that's right. You see, sometimes things were never quiet when I'm around (it get worst when Wak and Alip was there, right guys?), but things were too complicated. Those are time when if I sputter even a single word, someone will get hurt. Those are the times when I just sit back and hope that I could vanish into the thin air. When I get too fucked up to say anything. It's not PMS, my dear friend, but it was something else. Damn. The journey to know yourself is the most challenging.
"Get over it, Syahmi. Quit being such a jerk."
I've been trying, so hard. Yes, I can't forget her. But at least I don't LET IT SHOW. I keep it inside and act like 'no, I don't need her in my life. Her loss was like nothing to me' while inside I was struggling like 'can't you just get out of my head? you're blocking somebody else's way'. Because when I let it show it might have HURT others. Don't say it was easy for me. For time and time again, I asked myself to reconsider my position in your life. A shadow of someone else. I hope it was easy for you. Let it be hard for me. I have suffered more than this (far more). Oh, remember the spear analogy? Even if it was fully removed, it might still bleed. But people say, nowadays, blood is cheap. And so do love. Put some of it there, and some of it here, and you get the profits. Then one day, when someone else touched that heart, it might bleed again. It will never heal. To those who throw the spear, if you were reading this, please have my gratitute. It's true, being so nice is not so good either. Being extremely loyal, and there. She got you stabbed. People change. And so do I.
That's why I'm so in love with my guitar. It always understand. It pleased me when I play it.
Been an hour I've been writing this. It was like a suicide note to the devil. Now it's 40 past three in the morning and I'll try to sleep. Just try. If I die tonight, tell her I'll be her guardian angel. Always. Peace out. (^_^)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Abah!!! Sori sgt2!!!

wow... quiet a summer I'm having...

caption: ini cuma gaya candid
Going home. I really missed my family. Mum's working all day, and my brothers just come home on Thursday. Dad too.
Rindu mereka. X smpat nk gelak sme2 puas2. Cuti sekejap sgt.

caption: adik2 ak yg mmg fotogenik...
Ada sumting yg wat ak agk tekejut blik umah kali ni...
Malam Isnin aritu... Phone mak bebunyi... Kuar lagu "Tentang Kita", Couple. Ak ckp r, 'perghhh... mak dengar tentang kita...' 
'Sape nyanyi?' abh bertanye... 'Couple...' mak ak jawab ngan selamber...
Ak tergamam... Mak ak dengar Couple...
Then 1 ari 2 plak... ak ngan adik2 ak men gitar kt umah...ktorg men smbil nyanyi rmai2... lagu "Stay" Estrella. tbe2 abh ak sing along... PERGH!!! abh ak ni dlm kete dengar klasik fm kot... tbe2 ley taw lagu estrella.. 
Umah ak dijajah indie.. ak ke yg bwk pengaruh??? adoh...adik2 ak pon da dgr JGO ngan purevibracion... wawawawawawawa
Td mak kol ak... dye tye,
'cmne sem bru abg? ok x?'
then ak dgn berlagaknye jwb,
'sem ni mcm paradox sem lps. coz dye contradict sgt2...'
so start r mak ak membebel coz gne pkataan yg dye x fhm.. ak pon redha je r... :(
pastu mak tye ag,
'abg, cbe cek jap, jmpe x sluar jeans abh. yg milano 2, sme brand ngan abg pye...'
'jap ek, abg tgok jap... lame ckit taw, coz bju2 sume dlm luggage ag. x kms ag.'
kene bebel ag...
'ckp mse byk? asal x kemas?'
beliau tataw yg ak tdo ats lantai shje (katil=tempat letak baju)
'mak!!! ade kt abg r sluar abh nih!!! patut r sgt besar...'
'haha..taw r rindu kt abh, jgn r smpai bwk suar abh skali.. adoh..'
'2 nasib baik bwk suar jeans je mak, klu abg bwk bnde lain nnti.. haa... xde r, sbnrnye abg igt nk bg hadiah suar ni kt abh time besday dye nnti. kantoi pulak..'
'ape r abg ni.. mak igtkn ade org curik dah.. 2 r, kms bju sndiri ag..mak nk tolong x bg...'
'ane abg taw...ala... so cne ni? nak abg pos ke? nnti x pakai suar plak abh...'
'haha..xde nyer.. abh pegi keje pakai slack r ari2.. 2 je suar jeans dye yg elok...'
ala...kcian r plak kt abh ak nih...
'haha..tgok r nnti.. abg try pos balik... adoh... ckp sori sgt2 kt abh ek?'
ak gelak smpai pening pale jap td.... adoh.. mcm2... wat ak mkin homesick...
korg dan korg sume... giler malas ak nk jwb soklan korg...
mcm2 soklan ak dpt...
cne bleh sangkut?
btol ke?
ko seyes ke nih?
ak dengar2...
Dan mcm2 ag... so guys, whatever you heard, it's true.and don't ask me why.
Even we could't believe it. wawawawawawawawawawawawawawa~~~~
After all, it's true. (^_^)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Summer comes with surprise...

Melancholic, awfully awful spring has gone.

The season i hate.

But now i have summer coming.

With a lot of surprise.

Like she said, it's time to move on.


Can't believe it.

It's like a realistic hoax.

But it's pleasant... How it feels...

Will keep you inside.

My little secret.


p/s:hidup terasa sgt seronok. x boleh berhenti senyum.(^_^)

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