Of Thunderstorms.

Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm. (Robert Louis Stevenson)

Did you ever feel so tired, that you can't sleep?
One, after another, after another, sleepless night all around.

Silent.
All I hear is silence. Darkness in every space. Turned here and there but nothing.
Pulled my blanket up to my head. No I can't do this.
This smiling face covers a thunderstorm it's heart.
Rumbling leaves and shaking trees all around.
You and me got to pull together, we'll get through this, but no.
When separates always better, let's be wise and choose for the best.

Ain't it easier to start over? No, and it's harder than to go with what you have.
Disaster takes turns, and one by one keep on coming on it's way.
Those tracks taken is irreversible. Raindrops are falling down, never will it goes up again.
Unless it's evaporated. Clean. Leaving the dirt behind. Up to the sky, waves goodbye to the dirty Earth.

Closed my eyes. Again. Not again. I got a 9AM class tomorrow.
My heart throbs from all confusing and delirious thoughts by my brain.
And yet here it comes.

Thunderstorms.

I always love rain. I always does. A few days before I got on the plane to the USA, I do something very random.
It was raining outside when me and my big family was chatting. And I stand up, pull out my shirt and ran into the rain.

How I miss that feeling.

If it's cold, let it be. I couldn't care less.
Keep on raining. Keep it coming.

Did you know the story of a boy who lived out on the street and grow up to be a punk?
He was a tough guy. He was unstoppable.
Until one day he saw this girl at a coffee shop.
And you know what? He asked her out. For times.
She said yes.
And he died minutes later, with a smile on his face. From a car accident.

The girl ran to him and hold his hand in his last moment.
That strong, tough boy cried and say, "I have spent my whole life for ones who will love me regardless of what I've been, only caring for what I can be. You exists after all, so I don't mind to die."

He was only 20.

The thunderstorm. Urghh. It's a wet and humid fall here in Buffalo.

Melancholic days before. Much worst ahead.
Keeping my head up but the world is pushing it down again.
My neck will break loose soon.

I can't keep doing this.

This thread I'm holding on is too vulnerable. One small wind will take it down.
And yet I am pushed to the limit I can't handle.
These two frames of pictures are what keeping me alive.
Or else I am just as good as dead.
Crawling on my knees. Where faith now means nothing but a mere word.
No one will understand. But never mind.
It's the sophisticated heart and mind interaction that we human have not fully understand.

I've said this for countless times. Once more, here it goes.
I'm tired of this life.
So tired I have problem sleeping. So tired I never want to wake up and face it's cruelty.
I'm as weary as an 80 years old guy.
They say the storm will pass, not a valid argument.
Someday, I will have my morning cup of coffee and smile all day.
But I start to feel that day would never come.

I don't care if anyone is reading this. I just need to give myself a break.
Thunderstorm, yes, thunderstorm. 40 knots of wind makes it worst.
But who cares? It will pass.

Relationship is nothing but lies.
Hectic life makes it worst.

Sometimes I just need a reason to smile.
Which everyone else does not.

There's always rainbow after rain.
But this thunderstorm won't stop.
It'll keep on coming. Gradually.
To test my threshold.
Until one day there's nothing left but, well, just plain nothing.

I still have the hope.
That I am strong enough.
Am I? Am I that strong? Fake.

I may be not. We'll see.

Of Love and Friendship

Post ni tentang sahabat. 

Bukan sekali dua aku tulis pasal sahabat ni. Patut buat label khas untuk kawan-kawan.

So kali ni tentang apa? 

Aku just nak kongsi tentang betapa hebatnya pengaruh sahabat ni. Dan macam mana sebab kawan kau sanggup berkorban macam-macam. Kau sanggup susah payah sebab kawan. Kau tak suka tengok kawan kau sedih jadi kau tinggalkan kepentingan kau sendiri untuk orang lain. 

Aku takkan bukak cerita pasal kawan tiba-tiba kalau tak ada isu. So obviously, memang ada isu yang aku nak kongsikan. Satu situasi kompleks. Perhubungan yang maha rumit.

Firstly aku nak tanya. Pernah tak korang ada crush atau jatuh hati kepada kawan baik sendiri? Bukan setahun dua berkawan, tapi dah lama. Sejak sekolah rendah. 

Aku? Aku tak pernah.

Tapi aku tengok satu situasi yang mana seorang sahabat ni.. Em, in easier words fall for his bestfriend's ex. Kepada orang yang terlibat, aku mintak maaf kalau post ni terlalu jujur, tapi aku kena tulis benda ni sebagai amaran kepada orang lain. Jangan risau, identiti anda terpelihara. Itu janji aku.

Rule yang semua orang patut ikut. Don't date your bestfriend's ex. Sebab apa? Jeopardize friendship korang. Well it's not me though, so don't bother asking. 

In the first place, jangan start something yang korang tahu takkan boleh handle. Atau kawal. Because love is always a weak excuse. Aku suka nak quote satu ayat tulisan Epictetus dalam buku beliau, The Encheiridion. 

As you aim for such great goals, remember that you must not undertake them by acting moderately, but must let some things go completely and postpone others for the time being.

Kata-kata ni boleh apply dalam semua kehendak kita. Epictetus sambung dengan bagitahu yang kalau tak, kita akan mungkin tak dapat apa yang kita nak, dan certainly tak akan dapat kehendak yang lain. Jadi untuk semua benda, mesti akan ada sacrifice.

Kawan. Bros before hoes. Ingat tu. Sebab selagi kau tak kahwin dengan wanita kesayangan kau tu, kau ada kemungkinan untuk merangkak balik mencari sahabat bila cita-cita kau dengan wanita tersebut tak kesampaian. Apa pun kau buat, sahabat itu yang paling penting.

Untuk aku, sahabat aku is everything. Lagi-lagi bila duduk oversea ni. Tak ramai yang kau ada. Keluarga kau jauh. Jadi biarlah kau tolong kawan-kawan kau dengan ikhlas, dan harapkan yang satu hari nanti dia akan ingat jasa kau. Atau sekurang-kurangnya ingatlah yang kau dapat pahala sebab ikhlas. Orang tak ada ikhlas tak dapat pahala tau. Ingat tu.

Bagi aku lagi, tengok kawan-kawan seronok tu pun dah cukup memuaskan hati. Macam tugas kau dah selesai. Siapa yang suka tengok kawan-kawan tak bertegur sapa, tak boleh bertemu, asyik nak bergaduh? Aku tak tahu pasal korang, tapi aku tak nak macam tu. Kalau boleh biarlah kita semua hidup dengan penuh harmoni dan sejahtera (ayat buku teks BM).

Aku akan sentiasa tolong kawan aku dalam semua benda yang aku mampu, sebut je (except masalah duit la kan, aku ni kan orang miskin). Tapi tu janji aku untuk semua sahabat. Tak kisah la korang kat Malaysia ke, kat US ke, atau pun kat mana-mana je dalam dunia ni. Aku akan sentiasa ada untuk kawan.

But one thing for sure, aku patut jadi kaunselor instead of buat degree Bioteknologi ni.

Oh by the way, bawah ni QR code untuk blog aku! Yay! Mobile version pun dah di update kan dengan Atom, so read my words everywhere now. Scan!

Dan Fall semester; setakat ni masih awesome. Aku nak target 4.0 semester ni. InsyaAllah. Masih berusaha dengan sepenuh jiwa dan raga, mengorbankan hidup sebagai seorang anak muda di perantauan. Macam Epictetus cakap kat atas tu la.

And below, gambar cahaya matahari satu pagi beberapa hari lepas. Cahaya kehidupan baru :')

Semoga satu hari nanti, masalah aku akan selesai dan semua akan jadi seronok semula. One day, Syahmi, one day.

jzkk.

Salam alaik~

=)