It was half past two in the morning and I can't sleep. So here I am, the perfect time to scrap another masterpiece.
Sometimes, things happen when you least expect it. You might wake up the next morning just to see things changed. A message on your phone saying that you've been dumped. A call from home saying that one of your cousin died of HIV. A news that your grandfather got a severe stroke attack. Those are the things that you will have to encounter at some points of your life. Some that you were not even slightly able to believe it and finally resort to doing some crazy things to let go your feelings.
Life has been very (I mean extremely) hard for me recently.
I don't really know how to pull myself out of this. Or maybe I should just stay and deal with it. I wish I could just go home, take care of my grandfather and live a quiet life. Now I know why those guys from the city would rather go back to the village and live there.
"Why, you have her. Things should be a complete turnaround for you right now."
A turnaround? Fuck it. I was far at the bottom and the wheels are revolving extremely slow. Things won't change in a blink of eye right? So don't expect her presence will change my life. Yes, it does help. But not much. Sigh. I have been trying extremely hard but I couldn't.
"What is really your problem?"
I don't really know what seems to be my problem. Everything seems to be flawed. I could laugh, but deep inside, I never laugh. Oh my God, I really have a serious psychological disorder. Haha. Sometimes when speaking about this, I really feel like a jerk. But then I will come up with something else to cover up myself. It have really been shit. What? The trip? Haven't changed much. But finally I got my very own solution, which is very likely to be effective...
"Change."
Yes. I will change. Changes has take action right now. How? I don't know yet. Maybe I could start by cleaning up my bed. Quit sleeping on the floor and make a full use of my locker. Clean up my desk so that I will have plenty of space for studying. Pay more attention on my study. Damn it. Currently addicted to Harvest Moon. Need to do something about that. And more, go out and chill. Quit strolling around seksyen 6 alone, hoping that someone will kidnap me and see if anyone realized that I was missing.
"You're confusing me. To hell with you and your problem."
Who asked you to care? I don't. Fuck off, and die. Quiet disturbing huh? I've been more disturbed than this. For real, a friend of mine approaches and said, "Syahmi, somebody fucked me." Remember, things could happen when you least expect it. Sometimes, I think it was not so nice for being nice at all. Nice guy finish last. You can't have it all.
"Can't you just forget him/her?"
She's a dark memory. Like a spear through your heart, the more you try to take it out, the more it hurts. And everytime you see it, you bleed. When you forget that it was there, you're living your life with joy. (well, this is the part where I suppose to cry, but I don't for certain reason) To live with faith and love might be great, but to find a perfect match is not easy. You might have wasted your last seven years for someone who finally left you out just because you're busy during the Spring semester, and you might find a replacement a few months later, but you will never have the same. Yes, I admit (sincerely, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing). I still keep her pictures. Still. When the rhythm comes in, she popped out on my mind. Blindfold me, and she's still there. TRY! I try to move on. I MUST move on. She's NOT the best thing that ever happen to me (I hope) and I will prove that. I regretted meeting her in the first place.
"But you look happy. You're such a good actor."
Ahem.. haha..some people used to say that to me. It's not easy to cover up your feelings and remain happy (if not for yourself, for your friends). Keep those things down, there's no need to share because it was just an unnecessary burden for them. Some things were better to be kept as secret. Some secrets are meant to be kept as secret forever. Some secrets could even change the world. No guys, I'm not a good actor. I've been trying to please my friends, but I couldn't even please myself. Smile for those who needs one. Your problem is yours. Deal with it. There still be some guys and girls who knows a lot about me, but please. You don't know my life.
"You know what, you're a little 'off' sometimes."
He/she meant that I was quiet emotional sometimes. Maybe that's right. You see, sometimes things were never quiet when I'm around (it get worst when Wak and Alip was there, right guys?), but things were too complicated. Those are time when if I sputter even a single word, someone will get hurt. Those are the times when I just sit back and hope that I could vanish into the thin air. When I get too fucked up to say anything. It's not PMS, my dear friend, but it was something else. Damn. The journey to know yourself is the most challenging.
"Get over it, Syahmi. Quit being such a jerk."
I've been trying, so hard. Yes, I can't forget her. But at least I don't LET IT SHOW. I keep it inside and act like 'no, I don't need her in my life. Her loss was like nothing to me' while inside I was struggling like 'can't you just get out of my head? you're blocking somebody else's way'. Because when I let it show it might have HURT others. Don't say it was easy for me. For time and time again, I asked myself to reconsider my position in your life. A shadow of someone else. I hope it was easy for you. Let it be hard for me. I have suffered more than this (far more). Oh, remember the spear analogy? Even if it was fully removed, it might still bleed. But people say, nowadays, blood is cheap. And so do love. Put some of it there, and some of it here, and you get the profits. Then one day, when someone else touched that heart, it might bleed again. It will never heal. To those who throw the spear, if you were reading this, please have my gratitute. It's true, being so nice is not so good either. Being extremely loyal, and there. She got you stabbed. People change. And so do I.
That's why I'm so in love with my guitar. It always understand. It pleased me when I play it.
Been an hour I've been writing this. It was like a suicide note to the devil. Now it's 40 past three in the morning and I'll try to sleep. Just try. If I die tonight, tell her I'll be her guardian angel. Always. Peace out. (^_^)
