Oh God.
Holding my phone on my hand, playing "Always Be There" by Maher Zain on repeat. Trying to read my new book about Abe Lincoln being a vampire hunter, but my mind strayed away. Man, I'm lost.
That 20 minutes ride on the subway kills me. I'm raged. It's not the same old facade I always tried to put on all these times.
It's been a while since I'm so disappointed in myself. Like, totally disappointed.
"Through the short time we have in this life, soon it'll all be over, and we'll be in His heaven and we'll be fine."
There you go. That's one meaningful lyrics. Thank you Maher Zain.
Hah. And now I'm just a hair thin away from breaking in tears. Struggling to keep my head up, I looked around.
And there she was, an all American baby. She's cute. Got me smiling for a while there. So innocent, so pure.
And that's when the question came in. It's what got me thinking. Why does it have to be the same question? Why ask the question and then hope for redemption? That doesn't sounds right.
What question? It's one question that everyone asked once in a while. It's there. In front of me, like a noose dangling waiting for a head. Another life to be taken. Another soul to be savaged. The question is simple. It's why. Why?
"Why me? What have I done wrong to have received such a great test? This shouldn't be my test! It should have been someone else's test. Someone who have the courage, possess the bravery and cunning, someone whose faith on You is so strong even death can't take his faith away."
Oh, come on, guys. Girls. Akhi, ukhti, whatever. We all asked this question time and time again. Our iman changes faster than the Wall Street's stocks. We question! Why? Why? Why?
Last stop, University Station. Huh, finally. It feels like I've been on that train forever. Getting pretty packed in the escalator. Those people's laziness amazes me.
Oh God, I can barely walk. I'm literally dragging my feet as I walk. I'm shaking. Well ain't that a shocker?
I feel like a freaking corner stone. Because I'm feeling deaf, blind and dumb. I am still exactly where I've been put the last 2-3 years. Ain't no changing nothing. It's the same old spiritual thirst, filled with the joy of worldly pleasure and no hope of getting better.
I know they say to be careful what you wish for. I know. And still, I prefer to have a relationship problem rather than something more complicated like this. I mean, come on, this sort of issues are much more typical in older people, you know, like 30's or something?
But hey, I can't hate anyone. I just can't. It's in my philosophy. Make tonnes and tonnes of friends, and make no enemy. I don't think I have any, for instance. I never do anything bad to others. I won't (for now, all praise to God). I can't live knowing someone despised me for what I've done. Well, if I done nothing wrong and still be despised, that ain't my fault anymore. Dude, common sense. But seriously, I live enemy-free (or at least I thought so).
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| Harriman Hall, UB South Campus |
Here we are. UB's South Campus. It's been a long day and I still have my homework to finish. My eyes were bulging already, all dried up and red as hell. Just can't take this anymore. It have been hell, and too much already. Bursting out any moment.
It's been hell since I came here. This is a very big test Allah have given me. But yes, I have to stay strong and keep looking out for myself. My parents are struggling back there in Malaysia. Why not even give it a shot?
So here I am, at the library, trying to pull thing through.
Okay, it's been much of a ranting and nothing beneficial. Let's start over, bismillah.
"Rabbana la tu'akhizna in-nasina aw akh-ta'na. Rab-bana wa la tahmil 'alayna isran kama hamaltahu 'ala-lladhina min qablina, Rab-bana wa la tuhammilna ma la taqata lana bih, wa-'fu 'anna wa 'ghfirlana warhamna anta Maulana fansurna 'alal-qawmil kafirin."
"Our Lord! do not punish us if we forget or make mistake; Our Lord! do not lay on us a burden as Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear; and pardon us and grant us protection and have mercy on us, Thou art our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people." (2:286)
This is a very powerful ayah. You will feel quite familiar with it if you read Al-Mathurat, it's a very wonderful du'a. One more overused ayah from the Quran;
Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not. (2:216)
Please excuse the word "overused" that I mentioned before, in this terms it is good to overuse it.
So why? Why question? He is always there for you. You may not think bad of your khaliq, who have given you a whole lot of ease in living your life, give you a lot of pleasure so you won't even have the right to question whatever have been put unto you! Not even a little bit!
Well, yeah, I feel tired sometimes. I feel like there's some big boulder being put into me. Well, I'm a sissy alright. Bilal's been put a real boulder, more pain that what we could imagine on his chest, and still have the faith on Allah. Whatever got into your way, no matter how much pain you're in, how big your test is, how unbearable the pressure is, you must always know that He is always looking out for you, and know that he will ease you through the test just as long as you remember Him as much as you can. Always, always be grateful with what you have.
If you have prayed, and called upon His help, and prayed again, and again, and again, please don't give up on Him. Keep on pushing through. Even the road gets harder, and the course you're going is too steep you just have to run all the way down and keep stumbling, keep on praying. There's Him, so there's hope. Well, now we're talking about hope, I have a story to tell. Here it goes...
All night, a man called “Allah” until his lips were bleeding. Then the Devil said, “Hey! Mr Gullible! How come you’ve been calling all night & never once heard Allah say, “Here, I am?" You call out so earnestly and, in reply, what? I’ll tell you what. Nothing!” The man suddenly felt empty and abandoned. Depressed, he threw himself on the ground and fell into a deep sleep. In a dream, he met Abraham (AS), who asked, “Why are you regretting praising Allah?” The man said, “I called and called but Allah never replied, “Here I am.” Abraham (AS) explained, “Allah has said, “Your calling my name is My reply. Your longing for Me is My message to you." All your attempts to reach Me are in reality My attempts to reach you. Your fear and love are a noose to catch Me. In the silence surrounding every call of “Allah” waits a thousand replies of “Here I am.”
So there you go! Such a powerful story. I got my strength back now! He's watching over me, over us, so now there's nothing to fear! I'm walking with my heads up now!
Subhanallah. That was incredible! He's all over us but we didn't notice it! Tadabbur with nature. Watch the clouds. Watch the sky. Watch the critters. Watch the flower. They were all praising Him, the Almighty but what are we doing? Are we even have the right to claim ourselves Muslim. Haha. What a fail.
So now, smile, and praise Him. We're all been taken care of. Me here, you there, my parents back in Malaysia, my brothers, our Muslim relatives, as long as we all remembers Him. It has been mentioned in the Quran;
Therefore remember Me, I will remember you. Give thanks to Me, and reject not Me. (2:152)
See? Solid proof. Give thanks to Him, and REJECT HIM NOT. Never. Never ever ever do.
Well, time's up. Got to roll on now. Hopefully this time, you got the idea. It's been a while since I do my post in English, so here you go. Forgive the sloppy job, though. I didn't put in enough time for this post. InsyaAllah, all that is good came from Him.
It touches my heart. It might touch your's.
Salam alaik~
:)
p/s i think im in love <3 p="p">
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